The Yellow Brick Road
by InParisFrance
Summary: The road will never be a straight path, but it will always lead us back to where it all began - home. Chapter 13: Quiet - Kira has trouble moving on.
1. Chapter 1: Promise

The Yellow Brick Road

Chapter 1: PROMISE – Athrun leaves Cagalli with a promise

April, C.E. 74

There have never been a lot of words between them. And Cagalli has yet to figure if it's because they have nothing to talk about or if they are simply content in each other's presence. Nevertheless, the silence has always been comforting.

But then, she once again finds herself at her doorstep, standing in front of Athrun who is saying goodbye. So, she's not entirely sure if the universe is telling her to move on already - _they never had anything to talk about anyway_.

"Where are you going?" Cagalli asks.

"I don't know."

Cagalli frowns; he can't even give her a proper answer. So, they really had nothing to talk about after all. "I see."

Athrun puts his luggage down and takes Cagalli's hands in his. "I don't know myself. That's why I have to go. I want to see everything; do everything. I want to find myself first because you don't deserve to be with someone who doesn't know himself."

Cagalli scoffs, although she does not intend to mock him - well, maybe she wanted to a little bit. "That's a classic break-up line, Athrun."

Athrun is startled, as if he hasn't realized that til that moment. Then he laughs out loud. "You're right. It is."

Cagalli laughs with him, and she remembers now that although they never talked much, there was still much laughter between them. Playful banters, inside jokes, fun adventures - despite their burdens, she and Athrun truly enjoyed each other's company.

When the laughter dies, Cagalli tightens her grip on his hand. "Athrun, I can't wait for you."

"And I'm not expecting you to," was his response. "But the way we are now, we can't be together either."

"So, is this goodbye?"

Athrun gives her a small smile. "I don't know. But when I do find myself back to you, and you find it in your heart to welcome me back, then I promise we will know and love each other properly, the way we should have all those years ago."

Cagalli lets him leave her at her doorstep. And she watches again as his transport flies him off to wherever he needs to be. But at least her questions have been answered.

And as she closes the door to her home, she thinks that maybe they never had to say much, after all.


	2. Chapter 2: Tears

The Yellow Brick Road

Chapter 2: TEARS – Lacus reminds Kira that it's okay to cry

November, C.E. 74

There are many days when Lacus would see Kira staring into nowhere. Then there are days when Lacus would catch tears sliding down Kira's cheeks before he'd hurriedly wipe them away.

This is one of those days.

Lacus reaches out to Kira's face, to try to catch the tears that have unknowingly slid down his cheeks once again. But as soon as her fingers touch his skin, Kira jerks away and wipes his tears. "I'm fine. I'm fine. Lacus, I'm fine."

"It doesn't seem that way," Lacus says quietly, mildly hurt at Kira's reaction.

"I'm fine," Kira repeats. "I'm not crying."

"Many years ago, I told you it's okay to cry," Lacus tells him softly, and she reaches for his hand. "It still is."

"I did terrible things." Kira shudders at himself. "Despicable things. I survived when they didn't. I don't deserve to cry."

"Oh Kira. People cry for themselves, but they also cry for others. There is nothing selfish about crying, so there is no need to feel bad for it." Lacus stands closer to Kira and wraps him in her embrace. "Kira, if you feel like crying, there is no reason for you to hinder yourself."

And as memories of his past come flooding back - the friends he lost, the lives he took, Kira buries himself in Lacus' arms. And as the ocean waves crash onto the shore, a scarred man's sobs echo under the night sky.


	3. Chapter 3: Burden

The Yellow Brick Road

Chapter 3: BURDEN – Cagalli laments

June, C.E. 76

When Cagalli would see young women her age out on the street, her mind wanders. How different would her life have been if she's one of those girls? Going to university, hanging out with her friends, going on dates, having a stable and normal job?

Sometimes, Cagalli hates how her life has turned out. Since childhood, she has always been expected to be someone greater than herself. Surrounded by veterans and politicians, often she'd find herself under the judgemental gazes of old men. She always had to fight for her place and her dignity - she still does to this day. And the constant need to prove herself worthy of respect is tiresome. So really, Cagalli Yula Athha is simply tired.

She wishes for a normal life, where she is expected to take care of only herself and her family and nothing greater. She wishes for a life where her decisions affect no one else but herself. She wishes for a life where she only has to worry of her own happiness and can put that happiness above anyone else's.

Cagalli wishes for many things. Truly, she does.

And yet, she'd see children playing in the park or walking to school. She'd see families eating together or having picnics or shopping in the mall. She'd see tired people like herself doing normal things expected of normal people. And she'd think, "Maybe all this is worth it."

So Cagalli wakes up every day and does her work the best she can because she knows there are people out there who are doing their best to live too. So she does all this for them and for herself.

Because perhaps this isn't the life she chose to live, but it is the life that was given to her.

So she takes life one day at a time and makes peace with her burden.


	4. Chapter 4: Grieve

The Yellow Brick Road

Chapter 4: GRIEVE – Athrun's past haunts him

October, C.E. 76

When your past haunts you, there is no place in the world that you can hide from it. But Athrun still tries.

In the aftermath of the Second Bloody Valentine War, there is still much healing to be done. So, after Athrun left Orb and Cagalli for the second time, he visits the places ruined by the war. He goes by Alex Dino once again because no one really appreciates his true identity. And he's afraid the townspeople would only reject him if they knew who he was.

For the next few years, he spends his days helping the reconstruction of towns, volunteering at rescue missions, assisting in soup kitchens and orphanages. He spends his days trying to do as much good as he can. Perhaps to distract himself from the ghosts he still sees. Perhaps to atone for all the sins he's committed. Perhaps to save himself from the guilt and anger.

Perhaps to escape the life he's cursed with.

Athrun spends his nights alone. In his travels, he makes acquaintances and jokes around with the townspeople, but he does not venture closer. He is afraid he'll get too close; his past has taught him to be wary of others and of himself. That's why he doesn't stay at a town for too long.

Some nights, the televisions of the bars he frequents are turned on to the news or to late night talk shows. Some nights, they feature the friends he left behind. He'd see Lacus on screen, regal as ever, talking about her new job as a peace ambassador or about her upcoming charity concert. He'd hear Yzak, with his signature snides and grunts, explaining the closure of PLANT's mobile suit factories. He'd see Cagalli, proud and stubborn, shaking hands with the new leaders of PLANT and the Earth Alliance after signing new peace treaties - this is his favorite.

Some days he would think he's sure and stable and finally ready to go back home.

And yet there are days worse than others - a lot worse. While handing out rations, he would see a woman with short blue hair and green eyes like his. While carrying blocks of cement, he would notice a young man with curly green hair, and he would hear a distant piano playing a familiar song. While delivering goods to another town, he would catch a woman with long gray hair and freckles humming a Lacus Clyne song.

"Hey, Alex, you okay?" A man claps his back. "You've been spacing out a while there."

Athrun looks up and shakes his head. "Oh. Sorry. I just remembered something."

"Don't worry about it. Just don't think too much," the man says. "We've still got a lot of work to do."

"You're right." Athrun goes back to whatever he was doing. "There's still a lot of work to do."


	5. Chapter 5: Talk

The Yellow Brick Road

Chapter 5: TALK – Athrun, Yzak and Dearka have a talk

January, C.E. 77

As Dearka Elseman passes by a small community east of Suez for an ocular inspection of the defunct Lohengrin Gate, he cannot believe his eyes when he sees a familiar face with blue hair and green eyes carrying bags of bread. He skids his jeep to a stop, stunning his passenger.

"What do you think you're doing, Elseman?"

Dearka parks the jeep on the side of the road. "Yzak."

"What?"

Dearka points to the man he believes to be his former comrade. "I think I just figured out where Athrun's been hiding all this time."

The three men sit in silence at a local cafe. After the waitress brings their drinks to their table, Yzak begins the conversation awkwardly. "I saw Chief Representative Athha at the Eurasian conference last week."

"Oh." Athrun takes a sip of his black tea. "How is she?"

Yzak shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly. "She's still fighting the good fight. She'll survive."

Dearka looks at his companions. "So, we finally sit down together after four years, and the first thing we talk about is Athrun's ex. Nice."

There are chuckles around the table as the three finally relax in each other's company. Dearka turns to Athrun. "So, is this where you're settling down?"

"No," Athrun answers without hesitation. "Just a stopover."

"To where?"

"I don't know yet."

Dearka leans back into his chair. "You ever plan on coming back to the military?"

"No." Athrun laughs, almost mockingly. "I'm never going back there."

Dearka scrunches his nose. "Why not?"

Before Athrun could answer, Yzak scoffs. "That's rich coming from the guy who filed for a formal discharge a few weeks ago."

Athrun looks at the two, startled. He never expected one of them to quit being a soldier. Dearka waves a hand dismissively. "It's true; I don't have any moral ascendancy. But let's face it: I was never cut out for the military. But Athrun's always been a good soldier, his two defections notwithstanding."

Athrun grins. "Thank you for the disclaimer. So, what do you plan to do now?"

Dearka plays with the straw of his iced tea. "My family has a shop in December City. I'll help out there."

"I see." Athrun then turns to Yzak who's sipping his coffee. "And you? Do you plan to retire your uniform anytime soon?"

Yzak shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head, his expression grim. "Probably not. I don't know what else I can do in this life."

As the awkward silence sets in again, Dearka slams his hand on the table, jolting his two companions. "Come on, this isn't a pity party. Let's catch up on the good things! Make a lot of jokes, go get drinks, and just have fun."

And they do.


	6. Chapter 6: Soldier

The Yellow Brick Road

Chapter 6: SOLDIER – Yzak confides in Shiho - Yzak and Shiho

February, C.E. 77

"I think it went well." Shiho Hahnenfuss starts organizing the day's documents and places them on her clipboard.

Yzak looks at his subordinate curiously. "What did?"

"Today." Shiho glances up from her clipboard and meets her superior's gaze. "Dearka's discharge is effective starting today. And I think you did well in his absence."

Yzak snorts. "It's not the first time he's absent from work. I've survived much worse than this."

Shiho sits down on the chair in front of Yzak's desk. "I know. But I also know you miss him."

Yzak doesn't answer, and he turns his gaze away from her. "What do you want, Hahnenfuss?"

"Nothing," Shiho says. "Just that, it's okay to miss a friend. And it's okay to talk about it."

When she's met with only silence, Shiho leaves her seat and prepares to leave the office. But as she is about to open the door, Yzak starts to speak. "I envy Dearka. He has the courage to leave this hellhole. He can quit without fearing what his life would become."

Shiho takes her seat again in front of Yzak. Yzak looks at her, his expression grim.

"But I can't do that. Because as unfortunate as it sounds, this -" Yzak gestures around the room. "This is the only thing I know how to do. And worse, I think I'm pretty good at it. But it gets lonely. All my comrades are either dead or away. I always thought Dearka would stay with me til' the end; I was wrong. Now I don't know if I could ever escape this. If I even want to escape this. And that scares me."

"It's okay to feel that way." Shiho takes a moment to think. "Just know that you can leave if you want to; no one will blame you. And even if you don't leave, know that you'll always be fighting the good fight." Shiho pauses again, unsure if giving her commanding officer a pat on the arm or the back is appropriate. She settles for keeping her hands to herself. "It's difficult, but someone's got to do it. And it takes a lot of courage for that someone to do it."

Yzak remains quiet for a while, and he averts his gaze from Shiho's face. "Shiho, do you think, after everything I've done, I deserve to be happy?"

"Of course you do," Shiho says easily. "We all do."

"Then, do you think I know how to be happy?" Yzak looks at Shiho again.

"Yes." Shiho smiles, almost amused. "You just don't do things the way everyone else does. But you'll get there."

"Shiho." Yzak hesitates, but he ultimately places a hand over Shiho's, grateful. "If I could have it my way, I wouldn't want Dearka to leave. But as it is, I'm glad you're still here."


	7. Chapter 7: Apology

The Yellow Brick Road

Chapter 7: APOLOGY – Shinn and Cagalli reconcile

July, C.E. 77

The sun has almost set. It's funny, Shinn thinks - it's always sunset when he arrives to pay his respects. The sky's bright blues has turned into a harmony of reds and violets. And the tombstone memorial looks heavenly against the changing colors.

"Captain Asuka."

Shinn turns around to the sound of his name. It's difficult not to recognize the gravelly voice. Once, his temper would rise at the sight and sound of this woman. She used to irritate him; she was annoyingly idealistic which only exposed her ignorance and privilege. But now, his emotions have been subdued to a begrudging respect and acknowledgement that perhaps she isn't all bad.

Shinn comes face to face with Cagalli. The fire in her eyes, although still burning, has toned down from maturity and experience. She no longer appears to be the stubborn, naive leader that places her morals on an ivory tower. Now, there is a commanding presence about her; she is regal and refined. She is no more a princess, but a queen.

Shinn gives Cagalli a courteous nod. "Chief Representative."

Cagalli directs her gaze at the tombstone at the edge of the landscape, and she places a beautiful arrangement of sunflowers and daisies on the ground. "You have come to visit your family?"

"Yes." There is a wistful tone to his voice. "I don't come here often, so I make it a point to visit them when I do."

Cagalli looks at the man who once shouted at her in anger, the man who blamed her and her father for all his losses. His white ZAFT uniform is all buttoned up, and he is wearing the cap that comes with it. He's definitely not the brash and brazen kid she met on the Minerva. He has grown and matured, and she thinks, he wasn't entirely wrong when he said all those things many years ago.

Moments pass, as the two stand beside each other in tense silence.

Cagalli faces Shinn. Her voice is soft but firm. "I made many mistakes. And I can only spend the rest of my life trying to atone for my sins. But please know that I'm trying."

Shinn's eyes never leave the tombstone before him. He thinks of his father, his mother, and his sister who are long gone but hopefully in a better place. "I know. You did your best. You and your father did; I know that now." Because he knows, decisions aren't black and white. There are gray areas to consider, and there's only so much we can expect of our human leaders. "And I know all you wanted was to protect your people."

Cagalli heaves a sigh. "But there are still a lot of things I have to learn to be able to truly protect my people."

Shinn thinks, at least she regrets; at least she's learning; at least she takes accountability. "Yes, and I appreciate that you're trying."

Cagalli looks at him gratefully. "Thank you."

Shinn and Cagalli are not friends; they probably never will be, but there is closure in acknowledgement and effort. And at this point, that is all they can ask for from each other.


	8. Chapter 8: Acceptance

The Yellow Brick Road

Chapter 8: ACCEPTANCE – Milly comes to terms with her demons

December, C.E. 77

Milly makes good money being a wedding photographer. Her job immerses her in all things merry. Sometimes, she thinks there's too much merry. But then, better a surplus of merry than a shortage of it. She has a surplus of bachelors surrounding her too, which isn't such a bad thing. And similar to the previous wedding she did, Milly finds herself tangled in the sheets with one of the groomsmen whose name she's long forgotten.

In the darkness, Milly gets up from the bed and puts her clothes on quietly. She gathers her purse, grabs her heels by the slings, and starts tiptoeing to the front door of the hotel room.

"Where are you off to?"

Milly straightens her back, and with her best smile, she turns back to the man she left in bed supposedly asleep. "I'm going home."

"Without saying goodbye?"

Milly drops her smile. "I didn't think I needed to."

Two months later, she finds herself staring at the man who she left in bed in the hotel room. He approaches her, scratching the back of his head. "Well, the groom must have liked your work from when you did our friend's wedding a few months ago."

"I'm sorry, you are?" Milly cleans her camera lens.

"Tod. The guy you slept with at that wedding months ago?" Tod doesn't know whether to feel amused or embarrassed.

Milly's going to be honest — she's slept with four more guys at weddings since Tod. Milly isn't very good with names, but she's got quite a memory for faces — it comes with being a photographer. "Right." Milly, however, does not like meeting the same people twice, especially when those people have seen her intoxicated and naked. "Yeah, I have to go."

As Milly turns her heels, Tod says, "Wait. I'm sorry. Did I do something wrong? Am I making you uncomfortable?"

"You — you didn't do anything wrong." Milly starts fidgeting, and she can feel her palms getting sweaty. She looks at Tod, and suddenly he has curly brown hair, green eyes and a round face. "I just, I have things to do, pictures to take. I have to go."

"Why are you running away?"

"I'm not." Milly shakes her head furiously. "I'm not running away!"

"Then what are you doing right now?"

"Just leave me alone!" Milly is almost hysterical at this point. She storms away, fuming. Milly locks herself in a bathroom stall. She sits on the lidded toilet and brings her knees up. She repeats in hushed whispers. "This is all your fault. This is all your fault. This is all your fault."

Locked in the cubicle, she spends her time running through different scenarios — possibilities. Things she could have said and done. Maybe everything would've been different — better. She entertains thoughts of what-ifs and what-could-have-beens.

She finally returns to her post after half an hour. The wedding planner approaches her and offers her dinner. Milly refuses. "It's okay. I'm fine — I'm sorry, I'm not in the mood to eat."

Just as the host bids the guests good night, Tod approaches her again. "Hey, look, about earlier - I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you or anything."

Milly looks at him, her head clear. She sees his blond hair and brown eyes. "No, I'm sorry I freaked. I just -"

"It's okay. You don't have to explain." Tod raises a hand up. "Anyway, I have to go."

As he turns to leave, Milly grabs hold of Tod's shirt sleeve. "I'm really sorry for running away. I didn't mean to run away."

Tod merely smiles before walking away.

After the party, Milly does not share her bed with another man, and she does not sleep a wink either.

One week later, Milly has developed and mailed all the photos to the newly weds. She has packed and cleaned out her apartment. She books a flight to Suez, and from there, she plans to wing it. She slings her camera bag over her shoulder and shuts the door behind her.

It's time to stop running away.


	9. Chapter 9: Realize

The Yellow Brick Road

Chapter 9: REALIZE – Meyrin meets Athrun again

September, C.E. 77

Meyrin can't believe her eyes when she bumps into Athrun at the marketplace. She had been with Ben, one of her co-teachers at the kindergarten she works in, and the person she's dating. She had been looking through a beautiful selection of books with an arm wrapped around Ben's when she spotted her former commander at the other side of the bookstore.

"Athrun!" She calls out.

Athrun turns around, and his face breaks into a smile upon seeing his friend. After three years, she's healthier, livelier and prettier, and her pigtails are long gone. "Meyrin."

Meyrin untangles herself from Ben and rushes to hug Athrun. She hasn't heard from or about him in years - in fact, no one has. He hasn't been presumed dead or anything, but people have been whispering that since the war, he's gone and dropped off the grid. "Oh my god, I didn't know you moved here!"

"I'm just visiting the town to get supplies. I'll be off again after I finish my errands." Athrun takes a step back. "What about you? I didn't think you'd move to Scandinavia after resigning."

"I needed a change of pace," Meyrin tells him. "And now I teach toddlers, who are — no offense, way better company than soldiers."

Athrun laughs. "Definitely."

Someone coughs from behind them, and Meyrin gives a small gasp. "Right, right — I'm so rude. Athrun, this is Ben. Ben, Athrun."

Ben smiles and extends a hand towards Athrun. "Ben Hughes. I used to be from the ZAFT Forces 4th Division before being discharged. Was never in the front lines but I've heard a lot about you. It's an honor to meet you, Commander Zala."

"I wouldn't call it an honor but thank you. Pleasure to meet you." Athrun shakes his hand. Ben Hughes has blond hair and doesn't have a killer's eyes. Just as well. "Please call me Athrun."

"Meyrin, why don't you two catch up?" Ben tells her.

"Oh, but we have to pick up that cake for your sister!" Meyrin says.

"It's okay. I can do that on my own." Ben waves a hand at her. "You haven't seen each other in so long. It's only right." He kisses her on the temple before leaving. "I'll see you later."

"He's very nice." Athrun grins at Meyrin.

"He's the best." Meyrin beams back and drags him by the hand. "Come on, let's go sit somewhere and eat. I know this great cafe —!"

—

Athrun and Meyrin settle down in one of the tables of a quaint coffee shop, and the server brings them their tea and cakes a while later.

Athrun starts the conversation. "So will you be moving back to the PLANTs or are you settling down here for good?"

"I'll probably stay here." Meyrin stirs her tea with a teaspoon. "There are a lot of reasons to stay."

"That's great. I'm truly happy for you." Athrun tells her earnestly. "This is the first time you've liked someone, right?"

Meyrin stares at him, a bit incredulously. She says slowly, "You know I had the biggest crush on you, right?"

Athrun blinks a few times. "You did?"

Meyrin tries to stop herself from laughing. "You're a decorated war hero and one of the smartest people I know. How could you be so clueless about these things?"

"I - I hadn't noticed," Athrun admitted, almost shyly.

"It was so obvious. I couldn't even believe myself back then." Meyrin throws her head back, laughing. She then leans forward, and brings her volume down to a whisper. "Athrun, even the Chief Representative knew."

Athrun looks at her blankly. "Cagalli knew?"

"Mhmm. She even told me to take care of you." Meyrin leans back onto her chair. She brings a hand to her chin, musing. "But then you had a lot going on back then. I suppose I can't blame you for not noticing." Meyrin shrugs and waves a hand in dismissal. "In any case, I'm over it so it doesn't really matter."

After a short pause, Athrun asks, "Why?"

"Why am I over it?"

"Yes."

Meyrin gives him a quizzical look but humors him nonetheless. "Because it was hopeless. You were so in love with the Chief Representative, and after a while, I realized I was just infatuated with you." She looks down and takes a bite of her chocolate cake slice. "I mean, I definitely care for you as a friend but my love - if you can even call it that, just wasn't that deep."

"How did you know that?" Athrun is genuinely curious.

Meyrin gives her answer a thought. A while later, she answers him. "You just do. You just feel it. It's hard to explain, and I honestly think it's a different experience for everyone - but when you love someone, you're just overcome with this emotion that's just bigger than you." Meyrin takes a sip of her drink. "It may come after a few months, or a few years. But when it comes, you'll definitely know."

"But then, how did you know that your love for me won't ever come at all? How did you know to just be over me?"

Meyrin purses her lips in amusement. "Well, that's quite narcissistic of you, Athrun."

"I'm sorry." Athrun chuckles, aware that he does sound quite narcissistic. "But I do want to know."

Meyrin laughs with him, but then gives herself a moment to think. As narcissistic as the questions may seem, they're still difficult questions to answer. "I would say, it's a gut feel?" Meyrin seems unsure. She chews the cake inside her mouth and tries to piece her thoughts together. And at the back of her mind, she knows that Athrun wouldn't have asked this if there wasn't anything more to it. She says slowly, "But also, and more importantly, it's a choice - and that doesn't apply to just love. You have to want it, and you have to choose it. Those things are very related, but also very different."

Athrun considers her answer. "So how do you know it's the right choice?"

Meyrin smiles. "The funny thing is, you won't ever know if it's the right choice. Not even in hindsight. You just think, what is the best decision I can make now? And you stand by that choice. Everyday."

Meyrin remembers the time she and Athrun met Lacus at the launching dock of the Archangel. She remembers that Athrun had felt forced to fight, but Lacus had reminded him that fighting - like all other decisions, are entirely Athrun's choices to make. And looking at him now, Meyrin feels that perhaps Athrun wanted to be reminded of that again. That he has a choice.

She looks at him and stresses, "Athrun, remember you are in control of your life. So you get to choose. Life, love, happiness - these are all your choices. You are Athrun Zala, so you choose what Athrun Zala does."

There is a sort of childlike innocence to the stare Athrun gives Meyrin. Athrun's been lost so many times. He feels as if he is perpetually lost, and is only pulled back momentarily by friends before going back into the void. And he knows he can't escape it that way because there are just some things you really have to do on your own. At the same time, knowing you have a choice and exercising that choice is easier said than done.

But he does appreciate the reminder. He needs it, anyway. "Thank you."

Meyrin places a hand above his. "It's a tedious process. I can't tell you what makes you better or how to make you better. All I can say is, you've been through a lot and you deserve time for yourself sorting out whatever internal conflict you may have, however long that would take. And all your friends are still here to help you if you need us. Just — no pressure." Meyrin takes another sip of her drink. She shrugs and adds snarkily in friendly banter, "Well, you can also see a therapist."


	10. Chapter 10: Ghost

The Yellow Brick Road

Chapter 10: GHOST – Mwu sees ghosts in his dreams

February, C.E. 78

He never came back. Not entirely. Not completely. Perhaps he would, ways into the road, but there are too many times that Mwu would grab onto the back of a chair, teeth gritted, eyes closed, body shaking. As if the memories have come back. As if the memories are taking over him again. Layers upon layers of memories and injected memories have led him to not knowing what is real and what is fiction.

When he sleeps, he dreams of children - two boys and one girl. A green-haired boy with a slender build and a confident expression bordering arrogance. A blue-haired boy, playful and temperamental, prone to outbursts and impulses. And a blond girl with a starry-eyed look on her face, blissfully unaware by default but deadly when provoked. He dreams of blood - the sickening redness of it, and the salty iron smell that inflames his lungs. He dreams of pain - excruciating pain that seems to tear off his flesh and crush his bones. And he wonders in these dreams, does he deserve all that - the pain, the blood, the mind games?

He opens his eyes, and he sees a woman that calms the beating of his heart. She has brown hair, kind eyes and a smile that, albeit sad, tells him gently that it's okay; that it will pass. He never dreams of this woman. Because there's never been a need to. She's always there, sitting across him drinking a cup of coffee. She's there, sleeping soundly beside him as he listens to the soft beats coming from her chest. She's there when he opens his eyes; she extends a hand towards him, and tells him, "I'm here."

He might never come back. Not truly. Not completely. People lose things in war. And he probably doesn't deserve to lament the things he's lost. After all, he's contributed his share in taking things away from people. He deserves to lose things as well. But when he takes her hand and feels her warmth, he thinks maybe all is not lost. Maybe there's hope, and maybe there's still redemption for people like him. And for that, he is thankful.


	11. Chapter 11: Pull

The Yellow Brick Road

Chapter 11: PULL – Cagalli wonders if she's doing the right thing

October, C.E. 78

Cagalli leans into the crib and coos at the little bundle lying on the sheets. She's such a tiny person, with tiny fists bunched up around her face, big eyes staring up wonderingly, and pink chubby cheeks that invite pinching. "She's such a beauty, Erica."

Erica Simmons, in a loose maternity dress and with her hair up in a messy bun, gives the chief representative a grin. "She is, alright. Who knew I'd get knocked up again after so many years?"

"You didn't plan to have her?" Cagalli reaches into the crib and dangles her forefinger to the baby - Enna. Enna grabs Cagalli's finger with her hand, making Cagalli feel giddy and excited.

"Not exactly." Erica arranges the pillows and blankets surrounding her daughter. "Not that I'm or my husband is complaining either. We're much more stable now, so we shouldn't have trouble raising her. Besides, Ryuta likes the idea of having a little sister to play with, so there's that."

"I should stay until Ryuta gets out of school," Cagalli muses, still letting Enna play with her finger. "I haven't seen him in a while."

Enna lets go of Cagalli's finger, and she raises both arms - she tries to, at least. Erica chuckles and smiles at the blond. "You want to hold her?"

Cagalli turns to her sheepishly. "You know, I'm really scared I'll drop her and you'll hate me forever."

"You've handled complicated machinery and piloted a mobile suit." Erica laughs. She dips into the crib and gathers baby Enna into her arms, a hand on the bottom and another to support her head. "I think you'll be fine."

Erica approaches Cagalli, but the latter hesitates, not knowing whether to stretch out her hands to hold the baby or to avoid her entirely. "Piloting a mobile suit did not require gentle care - but okay."

Erica guides Cagalli into properly holding Enna. "A hand on her head and neck - be careful there, that's the most sensitive part, and another hand supporting her bottom. See? You're doing just fine." Erica nods approvingly, but Cagalli has become quiet. Erica finds her staring at the baby blankly. "Is something wrong?"

Cagalli keeps still for a while. "Nothing." She tightens her hold on the baby for a bit. "She's just so...pure. So precious, so beautiful." Cagalli looks up at the woman she perceives to be a mentor to her. "Should I - can I even hold something as innocent as this?"

Erica studies the look on Cagalli's face; she seems she's about to cry. "What are you talking about? Of course you can! And you should."

Cagalli returns Enna to her mother. "I've done...despicable things - things I've done so that power doesn't go into the wrong hands, things I've done to keep my power. I said I won't repeat my mistakes. I said I'll protect my people. But the things I've done in the name of protection - maybe I'm just deluding myself. How am I better than the Blue Cosmos? Logos? The Seirans?"

"I can't tell you that because only you can answer that for yourself." Erica places Enna back in her crib, and the baby coos. Erica looks at her daughter fondly before turning to Cagalli who has seated herself on a wooden kiddie chair, a forlorn look on her face. Erica suddenly notices how misplaced Cagalli looks - the highest government official in her uniform against the backdrop of a nursery. Rather, a twenty-three year old who has the burden of an entire nation on her shoulders and was forced to grow up so quickly to fill in shoes she wasn't meant to fill until several years later. A soft lullaby wafts the room, with the coos of a three-month old in the background. "Cagalli, no one can be completely, morally, ethically good. Especially not someone in your position. Especially not in the aftermath of a war."

Cagalli looks up at her, and for a second, Erica pities the girl. "Are you saying everything I did was justified?"

"No." Erica sits beside her. "What I'm saying is, you're the leader of a nation. And sometimes, there are things you have to do, choices you have to make. They're not always right, but hardly anything is nowadays. And perhaps that's okay." She holds Cagalli's hands in hers. "The most dangerous thing is doing all these without guilt and believing they're right. Or knowing they're wrong but still not correcting them moving forward." She stresses, "You're neither of those things. You keep on learning; you keep on growing. And sometimes," Erica takes a pause. "Maybe that's enough. So all I'm saying is - you're not the worst one. There's still so much to improve, yes, and you are improving." Erica catches the tear that slides Cagalli's cheek. "You're not a bad person, Cagalli. Quite the contrary, in fact. I hope you can see that."

Erica pulls Cagalli into a hug, and she can feel the blond hold onto her tightly; Erica softly pats her back. She whispers, "Regardless of how this all ends, know that your legacy would be as someone who pulled through."


	12. Chapter 12: Empty

The Yellow Brick Road

Chapter 12: EMPTY – Lunamaria feels cheated on

May, C.E. 79

His eyes are always blank. In the rare instances they have a decent amount of time together, Luna notices his eyes stare farther beyond the present, into an unknown.

They share an apartment together in Aprilius, yet despite sleeping on the same bed on most nights, Shinn seems much farther away than he should be. And while Luna does not know much of the details as Shinn still keeps them to himself, she isn't dumb. She knows exactly where his mind is, and where his eyes stare at. It pains her heart, and she doesn't know what hurts more - Shinn thinking of a woman who has passed on years ago, or Shinn completely oblivious to how much his behavior affects her.

At first she thought his reaction was normal, especially so soon after the war ended. It was understandable at the time. Everyone had some sort of baggage they had to bear; she did too. And Shinn was no different. But one would think that after five years, things will change for the better. That Shinn will start seeing the present without being bogged down so much by the past. But it's been close to five years, and it still isn't happening.

Don't get her wrong, Shinn has changed. In many ways. For the better. He is no longer rash and prone to tantrums. He reasonably understands hierarchy and authority now. He can lead a team into a mission without being incensed at the slightest hiccup or opposition. He has become a better soldier. But a better boyfriend?

Sometimes Luna does not know why she puts herself through this. It isn't like Shinn mistreats her. Not at all. He does all the things boyfriends are expected to do: give you gifts, take you on dates, give you support and encouragement when you need it. But at the same time, he's just...never there. Never present. She can just feel it. And Luna thinks she deserves better than that.

There are days when she stirs up a fight about it with him. Just because she's in the mood and feels like it. Just because she's come to realize that she can't keep deluding herself like this, or keep letting him delude her like this. He'd clap back, of course. Shinn has always been a defensive man.

She would tell him, "You're living in the past. And you're living for her. Look, I'm not saying that you should forget her entirely. But you can't have it both ways, Shinn. You can't live here but be somewhere else!"

He'd respond, "You don't understand what it feels like, Luna!" He would never deny her accusations, and that always annoyed Luna to no bounds.

She'd feel insulted of course. "What, you don't think I see ghosts too?"

They'd go on like that for half an hour at most. Then one of them would extend an olive branch, and all would be fine and dandy again. The apartment would still feel hollow though. Empty.

But Luna sticks around because Shinn is comfortable. They have fallen into a nice, familiar routine that she's afraid to break. Because after being on the battlefront, she craves some sort of stability in her life. And despite the persisting pain the relationship gives her, it does give her the stability she wants. The stability she needs.

But then he's making her compete with a ghost. And it's so unfair. Because how can you even compete with someone you can't see or hear or touch? How can you compete with someone who remains a sentimental memory, an untarnished angel victimized by human greed? Luna's still human, so she fails and hurts and offends. And naturally, all her flaws will add up and will come against her. Slowly. Seeping. But it's there, and you'll just feel the effects of it later on when it's too late.

This won't work. Not in the long run. She knows that. So sooner or later, in one way or another, she's going to have to do something about this. It won't be pretty. And it's not just going to take half an hour of their time.


	13. Chapter 13: Quiet

Chapter 13: QUIET– Kira has trouble moving on

September, C.E. 79

Lacus doesn't know when it started, but she can feel something's changed. Kira has always been a quiet person, but at least before he would open up to her, and cry to her. He would allow her to see him weak and vulnerable. But certainly things have changed since; she doesn't know when or where or how — and honestly, that's the least of her concerns. She just wants things to go back to the way they were, but Lacus has grown afraid with each passing day. She feels their relationship will crumble at any time. Worse still, she does not know what to do to make things right. Kira is more distant now, and Lacus wants to be proven wrong, but it truly feels like he's avoiding her. And she's at a loss why that is.

One night, as she finishes up in the kitchen, she notices Kira standing against the door frame. Quiet. More quiet than usual. Awfully quiet that it scares her.

"I have to go," he tells her. "I have to go somewhere."

Lacus can feel her chest tighten. "Are you leaving me?"

Kira looks up, shaking his head. "No, not like that, Lacus." He turns away from her. "I just — I'm just looking for something."

Lacus holds her apron tightly, her fist clenched; she can feel her nails digging into her palm through the cloth. She doesn't know what to do. She feels like crying. "And there's nothing I can do to stop you?"

Kira still doesn't look at her. "I'm sorry."

Lacus' lips quiver. Her body is shaking; her heart is pounding. She is terrified. She can't lose Kira. Not like this. "Is it me?" She cries desperately. Lacus Clyne does not plead, but she feels she's running out of options. "Because I can change — I can do better, be better — I"

"Lacus, it's not you. I love you the way you are." Finally, Kira looks at her. He approaches her and holds her shoulders with both hands. Yet for some reason, Lacus isn't comforted at all. Far from it, in fact. "It's not you. Please don't ever think it's you. There's just something I have to do. Alone. And it has nothing to do with you."

She has been with this man for seven years and it has nothing to do with her? Lacus has to admit: that hurt. But at that moment, she is too scared to say anything, to do anything.

Lacus looks at him in the eyes, but Kira does not seem to see her; he seems so far away. And she feels she no longer has a choice. "Okay."

Fast forward a week later, she is still too scared to say and do anything. Never mind that Kira packs a suitcase. Never mind that Kira books a ticket without a return date. Never mind that Kira simply kisses her on the cheek, whispers an apology and closes the door on her without as much as a second glance.

Never mind that as soon as he does, she breaks down on the floor and screams into the carpet, not knowing where she went wrong and where to go next.


End file.
